Trust.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I don’t know who wrote that, and I’m too lazy to Google it right now.  But I love it.

Can I be real? I just want to run away.  Everything is craziness right now: so much is going on in my life and I feel most days like a piece of clothing in the dryer, just getting tumbled around, tossed around with no purpose.  I thank God so much for my family: for my husband who works so, so hard for us, and for my son, that he’s healthy and wonderful.  But there is still so much confusion and a lot of pain to work through with other people and it all is just such a mess.  Plus, it’s Christmastime and Jesus is nowhere to be found.  (And it’s not because He hasn’t been “born” yet.)  Seriously.  Every commercial makes me queasy.  Every radio ad.  Every EVERYTHING. 

I want a magic bullet.  A simple answer.  But those things would eliminate what God wants most from me right now.  Trust.  

Trusting God is probably the most difficult thing in the world to do.  But I try.  I grit my teeth and I cry and scream but at the end of it I tell Him that I am trusting Him.  In the Gospels there was that tax collector who told God that he believed, but to help his unbelief.  And I tell God that I trust Him, but to help my distrust.  Because there’s so much of it.

I say “Jesus, I trust in You” about a million times a day, and I hope it works.  I hope it pleases Him to know that I am trying to be faithful.  I know His faithfulness is unwavering.  It’s just hard for me to reconcile the person I see myself as with the person that He loves.  They’re the same person, but would I love me, knowing me? Really knowing me? There’s a lot of mercy involved in that.

I guess just this last week the Church ended their year of Faith and has instituted this as the year of Grace.  I need more of that.  I love that.  I want to give more of that.  Can I trust myself to do that? Can I trust God?

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